It was too private to let anyone else know. His reputation would be completely shattered. His disciples would surely be confused and scattered. It would endanger his entire mission.
Throughout his entire life, this secret desire remained within him. It haunted him to no end. During those times when he spent entire nights in prayer alone with his Father, I am sure this desire came up as a topic of discussion. Probably a good part of the night was spent struggling over this one desire.
Then finally, several hours before his crucifixion, he went with his disciples to the garden of Gethsemane. He poured out his heart to his Father. When his heart became heavy, he took Peter, James, and John and went further away to pray. But as the evening progressed, he could stand the pain no longer. He had to open up the pain of his desire to his Father. So, he went further away from even these three to pray.
He cried out in agony…maybe not because of the torture that he was about to endure. The real agony was regarding this secret desire; the desire to disobey his Father. Doing anything against the Father’s will was completely out of the question. He knew that. He was fine with that. But still, deep within him, this desire remained.
But he never gave in to that desire. He held on and submitted himself to the will of the Father. That was his advantage above everything else. Although he could never share this with even his closest disciples, he felt free to share it with his Father.
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